*MOC Joke Thread*

[IainMW]

Whilst on a tour of venues around the UK a ventriloquist stops in a small village in Wales and decides to have a bit of fun and says to a local:-

“Good morning, do you mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn't talk, you English idiot!”

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either . . . I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the Elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Welshman: (now in a panic) “The sheep's a f******' liar......”

[Stranger]

I should have seen that coming

[Ray]

One evening a drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12 inch tall man standing a few feet away from him.

Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"

The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"

"No way," the drunk says: "you’re pulling my leg"

So the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

"That guy is great," the drunk says: "Where did you get him"?

The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.

Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.

"You barsteward," he says: "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."

The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist do you?"

[IainMW]

Depends on Your Perspective

A UK squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good -for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing fool.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[direstraits]

Good one!

[Stranger]

brilliant, best joke I've heard in ages

[IainMW]

Australia for Foreigners

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[direstraits]

Funfunfun!

[Stranger]

[IainMW]

Definition of Windows

Windows: n. A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

[Stranger]

How to forecast the weather:

Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

If the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The Cat

[Stranger]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not, four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...

[IainMW]

Born This Way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9cwDAj7sH4

[Stranger]

Top Gear Highway Code

[Stranger]

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

• I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian

• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

• Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door

Today: France meet South Africa in Bloemfontein. Wednesday: England meet Slovenia in Port Elizabeth. Thursday: England meet France in the departure lounge.

* The French have a lot of tall players who all play in a similar style. It was like there were 11 big Cisses out there.

* Raymond Domenech knew there was revolt in the ranks when the team barbecue turned out to be a burning live sheep.

* If the French get their packing done quickly, they might just run into Nicolas Anelka in duty-free.

* France and England have never been so united. Now we both hate the French national team.

* There were tears on the streets of Paris as France's players prepared to fly home. One teenage prostitute said: "I can't stop crying with joy, it's been ages since we saw Franck Ribery."

* France have renamed one of Paris' most famous landmarks. It's now called the I-Can't-Believe-They-Were-Ever-Champs Elysees.

* France are going home early from the World Cup again. If only there was a French term for 'deja vu'.

* The French are remaking a popular American sitcom. It's now called 'Nobody Loves Raymond'.