*MOC Joke Thread*

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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:37 am

SMART ARSE ANSWERS:

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby TheMGN » Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:44 am

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.


This one is awesome :D
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Ray » Thu Oct 01, 2009 6:25 pm

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."


On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"


“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby steve the postman » Thu Oct 01, 2009 6:54 pm

While on a routine flight over Afghanistan a US pilot spots 2 flying carpets with insurgants on
He dives out of the sun to blind them and dispatches the first with a sidewinder misile
Circling round he takes out the other with the cannon
Pleased with himself he returns to base and tells his commander of his actions
OH NO you idiot he said they are ALLIED CARPETS!
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Tue Oct 06, 2009 2:13 pm

Anagrams

This has got to be one of the most clever
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
Make improvements, not excuses!
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:41 pm

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking'

:lol: :lol:
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:34 pm

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and surfing and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby direstraits » Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:49 pm

:D
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2011- Laguna III ST Excep. 1.5 dCi 110 FAP 17" 215/50 Mich. Primacy HP, 16" 195/60 Mich. A4
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Ray » Tue Dec 01, 2009 7:52 pm

A young female teacher was giving her class of 6-year-olds a quiz.
"Behind my back, I have something red, round and you can eat it," she said: "What is it?"
"An apple," replied little Raymond.
"No," said the teacher: "It's a tomato but it shows that you’re thinking. I now have something round, a greenish color and you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian.
"No, it's an onion, but it shows that you’re thinking," the teacher said.
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class finally piped up and said: "I have something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"You dirty little boy!" exclaimed the teacher.
"No, it's a match, but it shows that you were thinking," he answered.
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Wed Dec 09, 2009 3:41 pm

Grandma's Don't know Everything!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

:eek :grin

To tell the truth!!!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

:lol:

There's No Hope for us!

The following are genuine GCSE examination questions, and some
genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. Theabdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels: A, E, I, O and U
(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


:hm :hm :lol: :grin
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Thu Dec 10, 2009 8:32 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: superb!

I particularly liked the grandma one.
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:01 am

Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup
and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not
listening to them.

:grin
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby steve-t » Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:12 pm

ARGH ha ha ha thump
Just laughed my head off
Steve

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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Ray » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:14 pm

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."

The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You’re a saint!"
The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."
The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It’s true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."
She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."
He replies: "It wasn’t me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"
He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He sh1t my pants too."
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Wed Dec 16, 2009 7:57 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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