*MOC Joke Thread*

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IainMW
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Sat May 16, 2009 8:55 am

I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin

3hours later they wre still walking around with it?

I thought to myself...

The barstewards have lost the plot!
:grin

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineering contractor died in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.

'Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a contractor?

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:50 pm

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that..
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In all the counterfoils of your cheque book, write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
:oops: :lol: :lol:
Make improvements, not excuses!
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IainMW
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:49 am

Not really a Joke but it made me laugh! :lol:

Road Kill Chili

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.


Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I won't say anymore about that!

:lol: :poop :blurp: :yuk :lool:
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Fri Jun 26, 2009 7:32 am

When Paramedics arrived at Michael Jackson's yesterday:

Paramedic One: "His Heart has Stopped......."

Paramedic Two: "Then Just Beat It Just Beat It................"
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:00 am

Whats the difference between alex ferguson and michael jackson? Ferguson will be playing Giggs in august.

Apparently Michael Jackson is not going to be buried but recycled into plastic bags so he remains white plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, they can use all the plastic to make an Xbox, so the kids can play with him for a change.
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:17 am

Naughty!

:lool: :lool:
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:04 am

Jacko died of a heart attack yesterday - shocked when he discovered that boyz II men was a band, not a delivery service
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby TheMGN » Mon Jun 29, 2009 7:30 am

Stranger wrote:Whats the difference between alex ferguson and michael jackson? Ferguson will be playing Giggs in august.

Apparently Michael Jackson is not going to be buried but recycled into plastic bags so he remains white plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, they can use all the plastic to make an Xbox, so the kids can play with him for a change.


:lol: excellent
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:20 am

What's Black with 8 legs?

The Jackson Four!!!!

Sorry :D :D :D
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Poddy » Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:26 am

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Made me Laugh
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Poddy » Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:38 am

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Poddy » Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:43 am

For all you Fathers out there


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.

1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________

If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in
a serpentine fashion is advised. )

I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if
you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.

APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby TheMGN » Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:03 am

That's a nice form :lol:
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Ray » Sun Aug 23, 2009 12:55 pm

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, the driver was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked: "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well, ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare," the driver replied.
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said: "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
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Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:53 am

Sheriff's Department

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your 20 qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot

six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

Great attitude, " says the sergeant. When can you start?"
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