*MOC Joke Thread*

A place for chat, jokes or anything that doesn't fit elsewhere.

Moderators: q292u, Ray, AndyAdmin, Stranger

User avatar
robznet
Advanced Driver
Posts: 396
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:58 am
Currently Drives:: Megane 1.5dci
Location: West Midlands

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby robznet » Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:16 pm

Comments from the Technical Support Desk


A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The technician asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:

The bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine.

I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.


Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer got an error message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago."

Rob :D
1.5DCi Dynamique with comfort pack - Antique Green.

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:08 pm

Funnies

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're fuckin' ugly.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little b*****. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined
with million-dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you
drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, on her next tee she promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out...now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on
in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the
window?"
"Uh, yes we are, and we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you! You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a split second then blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done" the genie said.
"And now," they both asked the genie in unison, "What's your wish,
genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at this wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon.
Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie
rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, "Tell me, how old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No ****! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in
genies"?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN:
KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL......THINK FAST!!!!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
_____________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
____________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
_____________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the beer can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:59 pm

7 year old challenges court ruling

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone…
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

User avatar
nickbell69
Advanced Driver
Posts: 601
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:13 pm
Currently Drives:: megane 1.9dci priv 53
Location: wrexham

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby nickbell69 » Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:42 pm

My grandma is ill in hospital after using daffodil bulbs in her dinner instead of onions.
When i rang the hospital to see how she was they said she should be out by spring :lol:

User avatar
Stranger
Site Admin
Posts: 4225
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:57 pm
Currently Drives:: BMW X1
Location: Lancashire

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Mon Oct 27, 2008 10:31 am

:lol: :cool:
STOP DEVELOPMENT ON GREEN FIELD SITES! http://www.cpre.org.uk/

User avatar
robznet
Advanced Driver
Posts: 396
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:58 am
Currently Drives:: Megane 1.5dci
Location: West Midlands

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby robznet » Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:56 pm

My Views On Being/Getting Fit

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 300 quid.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Rob
1.5DCi Dynamique with comfort pack - Antique Green.

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Tue Nov 25, 2008 4:53 pm

60 yrs of the NHS

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady - Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?

Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B

Hospital - I'll just put you through to the nurse station

Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?

Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse - I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady - Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all in here...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on, “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates.” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They're bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols”


And So The Christmas Season Begins..... :grin :lol:
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

User avatar
Stranger
Site Admin
Posts: 4225
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:57 pm
Currently Drives:: BMW X1
Location: Lancashire

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Wed Dec 03, 2008 8:27 pm

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape, my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I sh1t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
STOP DEVELOPMENT ON GREEN FIELD SITES! http://www.cpre.org.uk/

Toosh
Advanced Driver
Posts: 673
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:33 pm
Currently Drives:: 03 Megane 1.9 dCi 120 Dynamique Sport Hatch in Black.
Nervasport alloys, Comfort Pack, Full Leather interior, 6 Disc CD Changer,
Panoramic Roof, and loads more stuff.
Location: North Yorkshire

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Toosh » Mon Dec 22, 2008 8:30 pm

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.








How To Shower Like a Man



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Black 03 Megane dCi 120 Dynamique Sport Hatch. Gone but not forgotten.
Black 56 Pug 207 GT 1.6 Turbo

User avatar
anth_dci
Advanced Driver
Posts: 281
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:50 pm
Currently Drives:: Megane II DCi 120 Dynamique 52 plate
Location: sunderland, north east
Contact:

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby anth_dci » Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:23 am

Megane II dynamique 1.9 DCI 120bhp, 5 door, 52 plate.

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Sun Feb 01, 2009 4:15 pm

The Irish Army!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland ... I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

:lool:
:beer
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

User avatar
Stranger
Site Admin
Posts: 4225
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:57 pm
Currently Drives:: BMW X1
Location: Lancashire

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby Stranger » Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:53 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
STOP DEVELOPMENT ON GREEN FIELD SITES! http://www.cpre.org.uk/

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:46 pm

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

 June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
 July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
 August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
 September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
 October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
 November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
 December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
 December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
 December 18: Hid in a clothing! rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
 December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:
 December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here..'
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

User avatar
IainMW
F1 Driver
Posts: 1549
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 5:48 pm
Currently Drives:: Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatchback. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres on!)
Location: In the Foot Hills of the Valley of the Pie Eaters!

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby IainMW » Mon Apr 06, 2009 3:04 pm

Newfie Lubricant

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old
lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to
deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over
at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat
grand!!"
Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then
delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got
you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...." Murph got
kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we
still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another
boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of
dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was
probably something that happened during conception."

Murph said, "Ah yeah, during
conception."

When Murph and his wife went home with their three
children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember
dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere
3-in-1 Oil."

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."

Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"
:eek

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who worked for the Post Office in England whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.. A few days later, another letter came from the Same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it was those barstewards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

:hum:
Make improvements, not excuses!
Laguna III 2.0dCi 150 Dynamique Hatch. Pearl Black, Panoramic Sunroof, Front & Rear Proximity Sensors, 17" Spider Alloys (with B****y expensive tyres fitted!)

steve the postman
Pass Plus
Posts: 198
Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 4:59 pm
Currently Drives:: 1.5 DCI 86 EXTREME TUNING BOX
DAB DIGITAL RADIO/DVD PLAYER
HID HEADLIGHTS
PIAA HORNS
GT LEATHER STEERING WHEEL
Location: NEWCASTLE

Re: *MOC Joke Thread*

Postby steve the postman » Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:08 pm

As most know I'm a postie and by GOD thats the public mentallity towards us
Try looking at government next time you fill up to see the real thieves
Steve the postie
ps funny though
1.5 DCI 86 EXTREME, TUNING BOX, DAB DIGITAL RADIO/DVD PLAYER, HID HEADLIGHTS, PIAA HORNS, GT LEATHER STEERING WHEEL.


Return to “Everything Else”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests